Aaron Humphrey

Despite all my rage, I am still just a white boy in a toaster oven

Long ago, I unleashed a potent vision of white boy RAGE upon the world. The world shuddered and imploded, crushed beneath the weight of my fury. It the wake of our Earth’s destruction, another world was created that almost exactly the same, but with some tiny crucial differences. Namely, Furious White Boy masks began appearing in mysterious locations across the world, a testament to the white boy’s INESCAPABLE EXISTENTIAL ANGST.

Tracking these developments is the leading website in mask- craft-related phenomena: FreePrintableFun.org. From their latest posting:

“Who is Aaron Humphrey? Why is he so angry? Will our nation ever learn what true racial and gender equality is? These and many more questions can be pondered while wearing this Furious White Boy Mask.”

That’s right. Some random stranger stumbled upon my spontaneous art project and decided to share it with the world. THIS IS TREMENDOUS!

My friend Kristen P. sent in some Furious White Boy sightings long ago that I initially neglected to post for reasons I have forgotten, and then I felt too guilty about procrastinating to post them at all. But in light of Free Printable Fun uncovering my greatest accomplishment (and most secret shame), I present some of her photos, direct from the Pine Street Brothel!

Formerly a pumpkin cow, transformed by FURY he stalks the streets, causing ruckus all around and punchin’ dudes in the shins. BAM!

Nothing makes white boys more FURIOUS than mis-using the term “emo!” When Jimmy Eat World became really popular they weren’t even making emo music any more! EVERYONE HAS MISAPPROPRIATED THE TERM! LOOK IT UP ON WIKIPEDIA! JIMMY EAT WORLD IS FURIOUS ABOUT THIS!

MAGNETIC DARTS DO NOTHING TO QUELL MY FURY!!!!!!!!

Which pillow do you choose to sleep on? The one that his head is popping out of, or the one from which his fist is thrusting? It is difficult to determine because EACH PILLOW IS BURSTING WITH RAGE

My friends. This is a serious matter. Halloween is almost here. In Australia they do not celebrate Halloween. The only way I can be consoled about this fact is if everyone sends me more Furious White Boy Mask pictures. The power is in your hands!!

Here’s something special for my friends faraway who find themselves missing my visage, or for strangers I don’t know who are looking for a disguise to help them commit a harmless, victimless, non-violent crime which will not have any serious repercussions or cause any damage and possibly isn’t even illegal in the first place.

I feel that it is something that dudes can use to pick up ladies and ladies can use to scare away dudes. It is something that will make you feel like I never need to visit you again. In fact, it may make you strongly hope that is the case.

Is it an April Fool’s Joke that went too far, or a flash of brilliance that went just far enough? Either way, here it is:

The Furious White Boy Mask

(click for a life-size, printable version that you can wear … or don’t!)

There are a lot of fun things to do with masks, even masks of me.
*You could hand them out to kids as toys!
*You could put on a play!
*You could stage a practical joke and blame it on me!
*You could rob a bank and blame it on me (but not really)!
*You could have your Halloween costume ready MONTHS in advance!
*You could hang it in your bedroom as a reminder of my hard-knuckled friendship.
*You could hang it outside your door to tell crooks to GET OUT!
*Or you could just draw some circles on it and make it into a fun dart board!

But whatever you do, make sure you stay on the RIGHT side of the mask. It can be a pretty potent thing!

Yikes!

Just keep my eyes of rage facing away from you, and you’ll be just fine!

That’s much better!

For my friends and family, I hope this makes you miss me less (assuming you have missed me at all!).
For strangers and mask-lovers, I hope this makes you not act out terrible things while wearing my face.